community journal entry: "I really beat my final boss this year..."
another share from tahira, founder and ceo of the unwritten club
I really beat my final boss this year: my lack of kindness and consideration towards myself, stemming from my lack of humanity…which, I also reconnected with this year.
I can count on one hand the number of people who have actually encouraged my humanness. There are many who came close to it – they want it so badly for themselves, but because they haven’t fully realized it, they can’t get there, for me. Now, I understand…people can truly only meet you as far as they’re able to meet themselves – as far as they allow themselves to see.
I finally allowed myself to see it all and the clarity left me breathless…and honestly, horrified at everything I’d put up with until now. I was only meeting me 80% of the way…I’ll give myself more than halfway because I always knew how wrong it was to let myself down, to break my own promises to myself…I always felt the disgust of it. But I was taught to do it for others, seemingly, everyone but myself, because that is kindness and love. I’m SO happy I extracted that fully out of myself this year.
I’m SO happy I found my backbone, the boundaries I knew I always needed to set, the discipline I practiced to 75%, albeit knowing 98% is possible, but considered unsavory, because it means having strong ass boundaries. I’m so happy I fully realized that there’s nothing more kind or loving than being able to show up for yourself.
We often think it is the other way – to constantly show up for others, to be whatever the other needs you to be…but that’s not kind of loving, to them, or yourself. The kindest and most loving thing we can do for each other is to be tactfully transparent…to set our boundaries clearly and communicate them clearly. Being considerate of ourselves and others is the kindest, most loving thing we can do…and consideration is the mother of community: without her, we have nothing.
Building real community means slowing down to think and ask; it’s considering another’s feelings and our own, in tandem. Most importantly, consideration allows us to remember that we are all human. Much like how we can only see 10% of a glacier at a glance, because 90% of it is underwater, we hide most of our truths – sometimes to our detriment of others, and benefit of ourselves, and vice versa…that’s the messiness of what it means to be human.
Living in full embodiment of our humanity means that we allow people to be themselves, not just who we think them to be. Length of a relationship doesn’t mean we KNOW someone…and frankly, when there is so much to know about ourselves, why are we so hellbent on knowing THAT much about someone outside of ourselves? Seeking to know more is human, as is seeking to know less – because again, that is the messiness of living in full embodiment of our humanity: our ever-changing state. Even when we learn more, we still have to acknowledge that we are human – our moods and feelings are fluid, and just because we are disciplines in our work or hobbies or whatever, does not mean we will always maintain consistency – whether in perception, or praxis.
We’re ever-evolving…why don’t we act like it? Why don’t we give each other more grace to be human? THAT is true collectivism: recognizing our shortcomings AND our triumphs… ‘I made a better choice than yesterday,’ and ‘it felt shitty…or challenged me greatly.’ I once canceled a meet-up with an ex that I initially accepted to throw tomatoes at hum in the street. Nearly three years on, I still kind of wish I had, just for my autobiography…even though, if I had, I would’ve probably regretted it – and that’s real! That’s the messy work of being human, at work…and me allowing myself to experience the full weight of my own humanity. THAT is the kindest and most loving thing I can do for myself: considering, ‘perhaps things have changed,’ ‘perhaps they’re not who I want them to be,’ and also, ‘why do I need to project my wants onto someone who is not me?’ ‘Why can’t I meet them where they’re at in their humanity?’
That is why consideration is actually love for ourselves and everyone else, and why fully embodying our humanity is contingent upon considering both ourselves and others. We have to remind each other of this as often as we can. It’s the kindest and most loving thing we can do, for all of us.